It is on my heart to post more about adoption. I have so much passion for families created and separated by adoption that I want to share more on the topic.
I will start with a part of an email I received from one of my favorite adoption authors. She is an honest and real adoptee. Some adoptive parents feel that she is too “negative.” I enjoy reading her stuff because I want to be fully prepared for anything my children may think and feel about their lives. What’s the harm in being prepared?
I encourage all adoptive parents to read as much literature as we can get our hands on and speak to as many adopted people as possible. Educating ourselves on potential experiences our children may have only helps us to be prepared to help them through anything they might think or feel. We must prepare our hearts so our children can be the healthiest people possible.
Here is the article by Sherrie Eldridge:
Parents… Be Careful Not to “Dress Up Rejection” with Your Adopted Child
We adopted people long to please our adoptive parents. When we are told about our birth and birth mothers/fathers, our parents often unknowingly do something that creates turmoil within us. We are told things like “She loved you so much that she gave you to us.” Or, “You should be thankful that you were chosen by us. Other parents are stuck with the kids born to them.” I call this “dressing up rejection.”
Your goal is to honor the birth parents for giving the gift of birth and personality to us. That’s great! Keep honoring. It’s part of the equation that helps us with identity issues.Remember, however, that even in the most loving adoptions, adoptees often emotionally translate the absence of the birth mother as rejection.
However, parents, let me challenge you. Try adding affirming statements that also address the feelings of your child. I suggest beginning with, “Your parents weren’t ready to parent you. It had nothing to do with you, but with their readiness. I/We were ready to parent you. Lucky us…we got you! Then:
- “Sometimes it really hurts to be an adopted person, doesn’t it?”
- “I’ll hold you close because I know this is hard.”
- “Many adopted people feel like their hearts and heads just can’t agree about why their birth parents placed them for adoption. This is normal, but I know it hurts.”
If parents don’t help children in the early years with these affirmations, when they reach the teen and adult years, the dissonance between their hearts and heads might be overwhelming.
Move ahead to reunification with the birth family. Rejection amongst adult adoptees is rampant, but still a secret. We adopted people don’t talk about it because we have been taught by our well-intentioned parents to “dress up rejection.” If you could only be a fly on the wall of our all-adoptee yahoo support group, you would quickly discover that rejection stories outnumber successful ones. You may hear comments like this:
- “I know God chose you (parents) for me, but somehow, there’s a disconnection between my heart and head.”
- “Is it really okay to talk about my feelings about my birth
parents?”
- “I was told to be thankful that I was chosen. Nobody talked about the pain of being ‘given away’ before I was adopted.”
(Parents, this is pure adopted person talk. In our yahoo group, we say it like it is. I want you to know the realities of how your child is thinking and processing his or her adoption experience).
Talk shows don’t talk about rejection by birth parents, although Oprah featured adults who were conceived through sperm donation. The identity issues are similar. She was extremely concerned about what would happen if the adult found the missing birth father and rejection occurred. How could the adult child ever have peace? My heart was saying, “I know the answer. Please let me tell you how I’ve found peace after rejection.”
Filed under: Adoption, Our Family | 2 Comments »
for some reason good ol’ Freddie doesn’t listen to a wife pouting, mostly to her poor husband.
